elderly

hot tea and werther's originals.
i'm turning into such an old lady.

i'd be concerned if i wasn't secretly listening to incredibly embarrassing music and reading books meant for 12 year old girls.

you have to keep youth alive somehow i suppose.

dreams

dreams from the other night.

1)i was on a date with a short Indian man. our date was ruined by everyone i know tagging along and butting in. sitting at our dinner table. going on a walk with us. peering around the corner everywhere. creepies.

2)i read all of Catcher in the Rye in one day.

these are entirely better than the dreams i've been having and now all i want to do is read Catcher in the Rye again.

dreary dreary dreary

it's terribly dreary outside. it looks (and feels) more like late october than august. i'm in the mood to wear sweaters, drink hot tea, and eat soup.

i want to do nothing more tonight then read this terribly embarrassing book i'm currently engulfed in and catch up on some movies. no going out, no alcohol (well, maybe a glass of wine), none of anything that could be considered crazy. i think i'm getting old. school has started and it's already left me exhausted. going out doesn't hold the appeal it once did.

how am i going to meet new people? be social?
i'll worry about that at another time. right now i have other things to focus on. things that need my undivided attention. things that will hopefully lead me to part of the ultimate goal.
the rest will come in time.

i feel the incessant urge lately to be creative. i'm sad my little camera is on it's last leg and that i have yet to save up all the money for it's replacement. i want a little film camera to play around with and i think i'm going to start dragging my polaroid along for the ride, use up some of the last remaining film. i feel the desire to draw lately, but i'm held back by the frustration of being out of practice, of never really ending up with the finished product i'd originally envisioned in my head. i'm mulling over a story idea in my head, one i've been conjuring up for a couple of years now. i just need to put pen to paper, or fingers to a keyboard for that matter, and get it out there.

i don't know what i'm waiting for.

elsewhere

taking a familiar drive (one of my favorites) on a night seemingly reminiscent of fall. only appropriate to listen to the music that reminds me of those autumn and winter evenings, convenient the cd was waiting for me in my new vehicle even though i haven't listened to it in months.

just as it really starts to set in i drive past a home with christmas lights on. it's august. and now it all feels more familiar than it should ever be allowed to. my mind remained elsewhere on the drive home, just as it's been for days. i've been really unable to grasp how it is i feel about life in general, as ridiculous as that sounds. mostly looking back to an event in my life that remains unexplained. i keep searching my mind for reason. i find none. i need it. that's just me.

and just as i approach home i pass another house, christmas lights glowing, just making sure it stays in the foreground of my mind.

illogical august evening.

not been sleeping well recently and having terribly vivid dreams, leaving me exhausted. insomnia always sneaking back in just when i think it's finally gone. other than that life's been kind to me lately. i was thinking back on motto's from last summer and this whole self-improvement project i had going on. i'm still a work in progress, but i'm closer to the person i want to be and should be.

going to keep picking myself up and dusting myself off, forever, until i get it right, until one day all of this makes sense.
because i can't lose hope that it will.

less like home

"why are you all alone?"
i wanted to tell her not to worry, it's not always so bad.
i'd rather be out living life on my own then not living it at all.
sometimes those are the only options your left with.

you just hope that someday someone you want will want you back, and that they'll never change their mind.
then you try not to lose hope.

returned from a short trip to indianapolis.
each time i return to kansas city it feels less and less like home.

summer nights

Spent the evening in the muggy humidity of this Missouri summer; catching lightning bugs and drinking tea with my grandparent's. Drove home listening to country music, trying to make my car fly (to no, unfortunate success). This month has treated me well and I suppose that sometimes when your not really paying attention life has a way of getting really good.

I've been thinking a lot lately how sometimes certain combinations of literature, music, film, and life really has a way of changing your whole outlook. It happened once before during my "Salinger Stage" as I will deem call it and it seems to be happening now with Vonnegut and Kerouac and Into the Wild and etc., etc.. There is too much going on in my head to really delve into here, but all I know is I want to take long walks and climb mountains and lay on beaches and travel the great expanse of this Earth, read books, watch great films, learn more, relax, be carefree, see great shows, create more often. Can't wait to be finished with school so I can leave this place, move somewhere near a beach or some mountains and away
from all this flat land.

I'll be road tripping to Indiana mid-July, I strangely enjoy long car rides by myself. Looking incredibly forward to it. In the meantime I cannot recall the last time i was so busy or the last time I've been so happy. I suppose it's a collective coming together of things in my life and having a general outlook and plan about the road I need to take. Finally, things are starting to make sense.

I swore I wasn't sleeping this summer and I guess it's one promise I'm going to keep.

acid tongue

i'm listening to acid tongue and enjoying dinner. i cooked . . . pasta . . . from a pouch. dinner did not involve a microwave, this is progress. doing my best to be more domestic, though my reasoning for doing so escapes me.

spent the 91 degree and horrifically muggy day indoors in the contrastingly horrific confines of my 50 degree workplace. now that i am thoroughly exhausted i'm going to sit down with some wine and dig into dracula.

i would really like to do some hiking and i wish that i owned a working bicycle. i would just really like to be outdoors, even fishing sounds strangely enjoyable. something is wrong with me lately. i'm ready to be done with school, travel, and move east.



p.s. the jenny lewis show was, i will predict, the best show i'll see all year. it was even better than ryan adams (blasphemy, forgive me).