summer nights

Spent the evening in the muggy humidity of this Missouri summer; catching lightning bugs and drinking tea with my grandparent's. Drove home listening to country music, trying to make my car fly (to no, unfortunate success). This month has treated me well and I suppose that sometimes when your not really paying attention life has a way of getting really good.

I've been thinking a lot lately how sometimes certain combinations of literature, music, film, and life really has a way of changing your whole outlook. It happened once before during my "Salinger Stage" as I will deem call it and it seems to be happening now with Vonnegut and Kerouac and Into the Wild and etc., etc.. There is too much going on in my head to really delve into here, but all I know is I want to take long walks and climb mountains and lay on beaches and travel the great expanse of this Earth, read books, watch great films, learn more, relax, be carefree, see great shows, create more often. Can't wait to be finished with school so I can leave this place, move somewhere near a beach or some mountains and away
from all this flat land.

I'll be road tripping to Indiana mid-July, I strangely enjoy long car rides by myself. Looking incredibly forward to it. In the meantime I cannot recall the last time i was so busy or the last time I've been so happy. I suppose it's a collective coming together of things in my life and having a general outlook and plan about the road I need to take. Finally, things are starting to make sense.

I swore I wasn't sleeping this summer and I guess it's one promise I'm going to keep.

acid tongue

i'm listening to acid tongue and enjoying dinner. i cooked . . . pasta . . . from a pouch. dinner did not involve a microwave, this is progress. doing my best to be more domestic, though my reasoning for doing so escapes me.

spent the 91 degree and horrifically muggy day indoors in the contrastingly horrific confines of my 50 degree workplace. now that i am thoroughly exhausted i'm going to sit down with some wine and dig into dracula.

i would really like to do some hiking and i wish that i owned a working bicycle. i would just really like to be outdoors, even fishing sounds strangely enjoyable. something is wrong with me lately. i'm ready to be done with school, travel, and move east.



p.s. the jenny lewis show was, i will predict, the best show i'll see all year. it was even better than ryan adams (blasphemy, forgive me).

loves it

up quite late

i'd planned on being in bed early this evening. Yet here i am awake, ensuring another long day tomorrow. sitting here thinking about all kinds of things and at the same time nothing at all. just staring into a new corner of my room (as i have rearranged my belongings in it earlier in the week) and letting my mind go blank. trying to clear my head from all thoughts since at default it tends to think over the same few events and people and ideas and moments. it's exhausting to think of the same things all the time and is necessary to take the time to clear the mind. entirely too easy to get caught up and lose sight of whats really affecting my life, my feelings, me.

i've been thinking about loneliness and the certain kind that is unable to be cured by dear friends and or gatherings or acquaintances, but the kind that is present most all the time and is due to the lack of someone here to sleep next to each night, to hold hands with during the day, to give kisses to all the time. for some reason the lack of that kind of affection and caring is completely disheartening.

at a certain point i seem to have stopped panicking about the future in most regards. i know that eventually it will all work itself out. i've managed to form a vague picture of how i want things to be, i've managed to lock down a few specifics. i've retaught myself to stop saying "if . . . so and so happens" and start saying "when". while i've been having a great time taking those steps to get there, meeting new people, trying to change myself for the better, i cant help but notice i'm missing an integral piece of the puzzle. at such a point and time in my life as i'm in right now i can't help but want to scream at the top of my lungs "where is he!" it's seemingly the one thing that i feel completely helpless about when looking ahead to my future and seems so detrimental because in my life nothing else matters much if that one piece is missing. so i find myself wondering who it is, where he's at, when i'll meet him, maybe i've met him already, is it someone from the future, from the present, from the past? after all these years i've grown exhausted with waiting. i'm ready to get my life moving, shaping up, pieced together. i'm tired of sleeping alone every night, of having no one's hand to squeeze, no one's lip's to kiss. i'm ready to move east, get some kittens, lay on beaches, wander through cities, write, read, travel.

i have no idea what to do about any of this. so i'll go to work tomorrow, a sleepy girl, i sit over lunch in a coffee shop sipping a cafe au lait, reading, and wondering about the identity of this missing piece all the while.

never tasted so good.

the first sips of coffee i've had in nearly three and a half weeks.
magnificent.