up quite late

i'd planned on being in bed early this evening. Yet here i am awake, ensuring another long day tomorrow. sitting here thinking about all kinds of things and at the same time nothing at all. just staring into a new corner of my room (as i have rearranged my belongings in it earlier in the week) and letting my mind go blank. trying to clear my head from all thoughts since at default it tends to think over the same few events and people and ideas and moments. it's exhausting to think of the same things all the time and is necessary to take the time to clear the mind. entirely too easy to get caught up and lose sight of whats really affecting my life, my feelings, me.

i've been thinking about loneliness and the certain kind that is unable to be cured by dear friends and or gatherings or acquaintances, but the kind that is present most all the time and is due to the lack of someone here to sleep next to each night, to hold hands with during the day, to give kisses to all the time. for some reason the lack of that kind of affection and caring is completely disheartening.

at a certain point i seem to have stopped panicking about the future in most regards. i know that eventually it will all work itself out. i've managed to form a vague picture of how i want things to be, i've managed to lock down a few specifics. i've retaught myself to stop saying "if . . . so and so happens" and start saying "when". while i've been having a great time taking those steps to get there, meeting new people, trying to change myself for the better, i cant help but notice i'm missing an integral piece of the puzzle. at such a point and time in my life as i'm in right now i can't help but want to scream at the top of my lungs "where is he!" it's seemingly the one thing that i feel completely helpless about when looking ahead to my future and seems so detrimental because in my life nothing else matters much if that one piece is missing. so i find myself wondering who it is, where he's at, when i'll meet him, maybe i've met him already, is it someone from the future, from the present, from the past? after all these years i've grown exhausted with waiting. i'm ready to get my life moving, shaping up, pieced together. i'm tired of sleeping alone every night, of having no one's hand to squeeze, no one's lip's to kiss. i'm ready to move east, get some kittens, lay on beaches, wander through cities, write, read, travel.

i have no idea what to do about any of this. so i'll go to work tomorrow, a sleepy girl, i sit over lunch in a coffee shop sipping a cafe au lait, reading, and wondering about the identity of this missing piece all the while.