dreary dreary dreary

it's terribly dreary outside. it looks (and feels) more like late october than august. i'm in the mood to wear sweaters, drink hot tea, and eat soup.

i want to do nothing more tonight then read this terribly embarrassing book i'm currently engulfed in and catch up on some movies. no going out, no alcohol (well, maybe a glass of wine), none of anything that could be considered crazy. i think i'm getting old. school has started and it's already left me exhausted. going out doesn't hold the appeal it once did.

how am i going to meet new people? be social?
i'll worry about that at another time. right now i have other things to focus on. things that need my undivided attention. things that will hopefully lead me to part of the ultimate goal.
the rest will come in time.

i feel the incessant urge lately to be creative. i'm sad my little camera is on it's last leg and that i have yet to save up all the money for it's replacement. i want a little film camera to play around with and i think i'm going to start dragging my polaroid along for the ride, use up some of the last remaining film. i feel the desire to draw lately, but i'm held back by the frustration of being out of practice, of never really ending up with the finished product i'd originally envisioned in my head. i'm mulling over a story idea in my head, one i've been conjuring up for a couple of years now. i just need to put pen to paper, or fingers to a keyboard for that matter, and get it out there.

i don't know what i'm waiting for.

elsewhere

taking a familiar drive (one of my favorites) on a night seemingly reminiscent of fall. only appropriate to listen to the music that reminds me of those autumn and winter evenings, convenient the cd was waiting for me in my new vehicle even though i haven't listened to it in months.

just as it really starts to set in i drive past a home with christmas lights on. it's august. and now it all feels more familiar than it should ever be allowed to. my mind remained elsewhere on the drive home, just as it's been for days. i've been really unable to grasp how it is i feel about life in general, as ridiculous as that sounds. mostly looking back to an event in my life that remains unexplained. i keep searching my mind for reason. i find none. i need it. that's just me.

and just as i approach home i pass another house, christmas lights glowing, just making sure it stays in the foreground of my mind.

illogical august evening.

not been sleeping well recently and having terribly vivid dreams, leaving me exhausted. insomnia always sneaking back in just when i think it's finally gone. other than that life's been kind to me lately. i was thinking back on motto's from last summer and this whole self-improvement project i had going on. i'm still a work in progress, but i'm closer to the person i want to be and should be.

going to keep picking myself up and dusting myself off, forever, until i get it right, until one day all of this makes sense.
because i can't lose hope that it will.