holidays complete. new year begun.

I've successfully completed and survived the holidays and a new year has begun. we've been receiving more than our fair share of snow here lately and there is still more on the way. I found myself snowed in at my mothers over the Christmas holiday. I spent my time in captivity sitting in my pajamas, sipping coffee, eating cookies, and enjoying free cable. It felt cozy to be relaxing in my old living room and made it more apparent to me that my new home still doesn't feel like home. i miss that feeling of comfort, I've found it hard to really ever be at peace without it.

it's a new year and looking back I'm proud of all the leaps and bounds i made in 2009. Though I'm still not the person i ultimately wish to become, there is a lot of work to be done and i am well on my way. I quit making resolutions sometime ago, but if I were to make one this year it would be to continue with all the work from the last years. It's gotten me this far.

drink and be merry

coming back to work after having four and a half days off is very difficult, especially when you are feeling a bit under the weather. i suffered through two cups of terrible tasting work coffee and then moved on to spending time with my new favorite tazo tea Organic Apple Red. also, i have substituted werther's originals for cough drops because of their obvious advantages in tastiness. yumm.



i spent the weekend making baked christmas goods, watching christmas films, and looking at christmas lights. it was a good use of 4 days off and definitely made me miss life before forty hour work weeks and eight am mornings. maybe there will be freedom again one day. irregardless, i am excited to give everyone their presents. i think i did really good this year. i've been in the holiday spirit more this season than i have in years and that has definitely helped to calm the nerves.

i'm excited to go home tonight, drink a glass or two of wine, listen to some Frank, and wrap some christmas presents. it sounds incredibly relaxing and now that the shopping is officially over that is all i want to do; drink and be merry. the year is almost over and it's time to look ahead at all i want to do next year and all the changes i want to make. time to formulate a plan. when 2010 hits, i'll be ready.

<3

tick tock

my life feels forever thrown off course due to a fluke in timing.
this is unfortunate since i cannot thrive on mediocrity.
for me, intensity is key.
in fact, it is the only way.

everything seems just to be a clouded reflection of the way it ought to be.
and, as i am someone who is a kin to cleanliness, this is completely unacceptable.
if i do not feel that passion i know myself to be capable of, then it's just not good enough.
plain and simple.

i either need to find missouri contentment or i need the presence of mountains and ocean on the Eastern seashore.
right now these seem like the only possible answers.

elderly

hot tea and werther's originals.
i'm turning into such an old lady.

i'd be concerned if i wasn't secretly listening to incredibly embarrassing music and reading books meant for 12 year old girls.

you have to keep youth alive somehow i suppose.

dreams

dreams from the other night.

1)i was on a date with a short Indian man. our date was ruined by everyone i know tagging along and butting in. sitting at our dinner table. going on a walk with us. peering around the corner everywhere. creepies.

2)i read all of Catcher in the Rye in one day.

these are entirely better than the dreams i've been having and now all i want to do is read Catcher in the Rye again.

dreary dreary dreary

it's terribly dreary outside. it looks (and feels) more like late october than august. i'm in the mood to wear sweaters, drink hot tea, and eat soup.

i want to do nothing more tonight then read this terribly embarrassing book i'm currently engulfed in and catch up on some movies. no going out, no alcohol (well, maybe a glass of wine), none of anything that could be considered crazy. i think i'm getting old. school has started and it's already left me exhausted. going out doesn't hold the appeal it once did.

how am i going to meet new people? be social?
i'll worry about that at another time. right now i have other things to focus on. things that need my undivided attention. things that will hopefully lead me to part of the ultimate goal.
the rest will come in time.

i feel the incessant urge lately to be creative. i'm sad my little camera is on it's last leg and that i have yet to save up all the money for it's replacement. i want a little film camera to play around with and i think i'm going to start dragging my polaroid along for the ride, use up some of the last remaining film. i feel the desire to draw lately, but i'm held back by the frustration of being out of practice, of never really ending up with the finished product i'd originally envisioned in my head. i'm mulling over a story idea in my head, one i've been conjuring up for a couple of years now. i just need to put pen to paper, or fingers to a keyboard for that matter, and get it out there.

i don't know what i'm waiting for.

elsewhere

taking a familiar drive (one of my favorites) on a night seemingly reminiscent of fall. only appropriate to listen to the music that reminds me of those autumn and winter evenings, convenient the cd was waiting for me in my new vehicle even though i haven't listened to it in months.

just as it really starts to set in i drive past a home with christmas lights on. it's august. and now it all feels more familiar than it should ever be allowed to. my mind remained elsewhere on the drive home, just as it's been for days. i've been really unable to grasp how it is i feel about life in general, as ridiculous as that sounds. mostly looking back to an event in my life that remains unexplained. i keep searching my mind for reason. i find none. i need it. that's just me.

and just as i approach home i pass another house, christmas lights glowing, just making sure it stays in the foreground of my mind.

illogical august evening.

not been sleeping well recently and having terribly vivid dreams, leaving me exhausted. insomnia always sneaking back in just when i think it's finally gone. other than that life's been kind to me lately. i was thinking back on motto's from last summer and this whole self-improvement project i had going on. i'm still a work in progress, but i'm closer to the person i want to be and should be.

going to keep picking myself up and dusting myself off, forever, until i get it right, until one day all of this makes sense.
because i can't lose hope that it will.