drink and be merry

coming back to work after having four and a half days off is very difficult, especially when you are feeling a bit under the weather. i suffered through two cups of terrible tasting work coffee and then moved on to spending time with my new favorite tazo tea Organic Apple Red. also, i have substituted werther's originals for cough drops because of their obvious advantages in tastiness. yumm.



i spent the weekend making baked christmas goods, watching christmas films, and looking at christmas lights. it was a good use of 4 days off and definitely made me miss life before forty hour work weeks and eight am mornings. maybe there will be freedom again one day. irregardless, i am excited to give everyone their presents. i think i did really good this year. i've been in the holiday spirit more this season than i have in years and that has definitely helped to calm the nerves.

i'm excited to go home tonight, drink a glass or two of wine, listen to some Frank, and wrap some christmas presents. it sounds incredibly relaxing and now that the shopping is officially over that is all i want to do; drink and be merry. the year is almost over and it's time to look ahead at all i want to do next year and all the changes i want to make. time to formulate a plan. when 2010 hits, i'll be ready.

<3

tick tock

my life feels forever thrown off course due to a fluke in timing.
this is unfortunate since i cannot thrive on mediocrity.
for me, intensity is key.
in fact, it is the only way.

everything seems just to be a clouded reflection of the way it ought to be.
and, as i am someone who is a kin to cleanliness, this is completely unacceptable.
if i do not feel that passion i know myself to be capable of, then it's just not good enough.
plain and simple.

i either need to find missouri contentment or i need the presence of mountains and ocean on the Eastern seashore.
right now these seem like the only possible answers.

elderly

hot tea and werther's originals.
i'm turning into such an old lady.

i'd be concerned if i wasn't secretly listening to incredibly embarrassing music and reading books meant for 12 year old girls.

you have to keep youth alive somehow i suppose.

dreams

dreams from the other night.

1)i was on a date with a short Indian man. our date was ruined by everyone i know tagging along and butting in. sitting at our dinner table. going on a walk with us. peering around the corner everywhere. creepies.

2)i read all of Catcher in the Rye in one day.

these are entirely better than the dreams i've been having and now all i want to do is read Catcher in the Rye again.

dreary dreary dreary

it's terribly dreary outside. it looks (and feels) more like late october than august. i'm in the mood to wear sweaters, drink hot tea, and eat soup.

i want to do nothing more tonight then read this terribly embarrassing book i'm currently engulfed in and catch up on some movies. no going out, no alcohol (well, maybe a glass of wine), none of anything that could be considered crazy. i think i'm getting old. school has started and it's already left me exhausted. going out doesn't hold the appeal it once did.

how am i going to meet new people? be social?
i'll worry about that at another time. right now i have other things to focus on. things that need my undivided attention. things that will hopefully lead me to part of the ultimate goal.
the rest will come in time.

i feel the incessant urge lately to be creative. i'm sad my little camera is on it's last leg and that i have yet to save up all the money for it's replacement. i want a little film camera to play around with and i think i'm going to start dragging my polaroid along for the ride, use up some of the last remaining film. i feel the desire to draw lately, but i'm held back by the frustration of being out of practice, of never really ending up with the finished product i'd originally envisioned in my head. i'm mulling over a story idea in my head, one i've been conjuring up for a couple of years now. i just need to put pen to paper, or fingers to a keyboard for that matter, and get it out there.

i don't know what i'm waiting for.

elsewhere

taking a familiar drive (one of my favorites) on a night seemingly reminiscent of fall. only appropriate to listen to the music that reminds me of those autumn and winter evenings, convenient the cd was waiting for me in my new vehicle even though i haven't listened to it in months.

just as it really starts to set in i drive past a home with christmas lights on. it's august. and now it all feels more familiar than it should ever be allowed to. my mind remained elsewhere on the drive home, just as it's been for days. i've been really unable to grasp how it is i feel about life in general, as ridiculous as that sounds. mostly looking back to an event in my life that remains unexplained. i keep searching my mind for reason. i find none. i need it. that's just me.

and just as i approach home i pass another house, christmas lights glowing, just making sure it stays in the foreground of my mind.

illogical august evening.

not been sleeping well recently and having terribly vivid dreams, leaving me exhausted. insomnia always sneaking back in just when i think it's finally gone. other than that life's been kind to me lately. i was thinking back on motto's from last summer and this whole self-improvement project i had going on. i'm still a work in progress, but i'm closer to the person i want to be and should be.

going to keep picking myself up and dusting myself off, forever, until i get it right, until one day all of this makes sense.
because i can't lose hope that it will.

less like home

"why are you all alone?"
i wanted to tell her not to worry, it's not always so bad.
i'd rather be out living life on my own then not living it at all.
sometimes those are the only options your left with.

you just hope that someday someone you want will want you back, and that they'll never change their mind.
then you try not to lose hope.

returned from a short trip to indianapolis.
each time i return to kansas city it feels less and less like home.

summer nights

Spent the evening in the muggy humidity of this Missouri summer; catching lightning bugs and drinking tea with my grandparent's. Drove home listening to country music, trying to make my car fly (to no, unfortunate success). This month has treated me well and I suppose that sometimes when your not really paying attention life has a way of getting really good.

I've been thinking a lot lately how sometimes certain combinations of literature, music, film, and life really has a way of changing your whole outlook. It happened once before during my "Salinger Stage" as I will deem call it and it seems to be happening now with Vonnegut and Kerouac and Into the Wild and etc., etc.. There is too much going on in my head to really delve into here, but all I know is I want to take long walks and climb mountains and lay on beaches and travel the great expanse of this Earth, read books, watch great films, learn more, relax, be carefree, see great shows, create more often. Can't wait to be finished with school so I can leave this place, move somewhere near a beach or some mountains and away
from all this flat land.

I'll be road tripping to Indiana mid-July, I strangely enjoy long car rides by myself. Looking incredibly forward to it. In the meantime I cannot recall the last time i was so busy or the last time I've been so happy. I suppose it's a collective coming together of things in my life and having a general outlook and plan about the road I need to take. Finally, things are starting to make sense.

I swore I wasn't sleeping this summer and I guess it's one promise I'm going to keep.

acid tongue

i'm listening to acid tongue and enjoying dinner. i cooked . . . pasta . . . from a pouch. dinner did not involve a microwave, this is progress. doing my best to be more domestic, though my reasoning for doing so escapes me.

spent the 91 degree and horrifically muggy day indoors in the contrastingly horrific confines of my 50 degree workplace. now that i am thoroughly exhausted i'm going to sit down with some wine and dig into dracula.

i would really like to do some hiking and i wish that i owned a working bicycle. i would just really like to be outdoors, even fishing sounds strangely enjoyable. something is wrong with me lately. i'm ready to be done with school, travel, and move east.



p.s. the jenny lewis show was, i will predict, the best show i'll see all year. it was even better than ryan adams (blasphemy, forgive me).

loves it

up quite late

i'd planned on being in bed early this evening. Yet here i am awake, ensuring another long day tomorrow. sitting here thinking about all kinds of things and at the same time nothing at all. just staring into a new corner of my room (as i have rearranged my belongings in it earlier in the week) and letting my mind go blank. trying to clear my head from all thoughts since at default it tends to think over the same few events and people and ideas and moments. it's exhausting to think of the same things all the time and is necessary to take the time to clear the mind. entirely too easy to get caught up and lose sight of whats really affecting my life, my feelings, me.

i've been thinking about loneliness and the certain kind that is unable to be cured by dear friends and or gatherings or acquaintances, but the kind that is present most all the time and is due to the lack of someone here to sleep next to each night, to hold hands with during the day, to give kisses to all the time. for some reason the lack of that kind of affection and caring is completely disheartening.

at a certain point i seem to have stopped panicking about the future in most regards. i know that eventually it will all work itself out. i've managed to form a vague picture of how i want things to be, i've managed to lock down a few specifics. i've retaught myself to stop saying "if . . . so and so happens" and start saying "when". while i've been having a great time taking those steps to get there, meeting new people, trying to change myself for the better, i cant help but notice i'm missing an integral piece of the puzzle. at such a point and time in my life as i'm in right now i can't help but want to scream at the top of my lungs "where is he!" it's seemingly the one thing that i feel completely helpless about when looking ahead to my future and seems so detrimental because in my life nothing else matters much if that one piece is missing. so i find myself wondering who it is, where he's at, when i'll meet him, maybe i've met him already, is it someone from the future, from the present, from the past? after all these years i've grown exhausted with waiting. i'm ready to get my life moving, shaping up, pieced together. i'm tired of sleeping alone every night, of having no one's hand to squeeze, no one's lip's to kiss. i'm ready to move east, get some kittens, lay on beaches, wander through cities, write, read, travel.

i have no idea what to do about any of this. so i'll go to work tomorrow, a sleepy girl, i sit over lunch in a coffee shop sipping a cafe au lait, reading, and wondering about the identity of this missing piece all the while.

never tasted so good.

the first sips of coffee i've had in nearly three and a half weeks.
magnificent.

day twelve

someone once told me that to get the things you really want in life, you have to stop wanting them. i suppose that i can see the logic, but i can also state that it is very hard to not want the things you desire. i suppose being content with the lack of them is what was really meant in all of that. though, when you have an idea or at worst, the absolute knowledge of the things your missing, places you should be, and people you want, it is near impossible to be content in their absence.

i haven't had coffee in twelve days now and it is quite a tragedy to be trapped inside on such a beautiful afternoon.

peace

there are things in life that just cant be beat.
trying to make the car fly on a late night drive down an empty highway, all that wind pushing against your hand, blowing through your hair, singing songs at the top of your lungs.
that is definitly one of those moments.

in those moments i feel alive.
i can conquer the world.
anything is possible.

<3 phoenix

1901

sick sickly death

the enjoyments of running a fever while being at work.
the delusion caused by raised temperature and tylenol severe cold.
tooken, taked, a giraffe's tail, troyism's.
walking around on the metal grates. something i'd never contemplate in my right mind.
a dreary haze of never ending hours.
contemplating what good can come of a proclamation if it is laced in vagueness and ambiguity. though i suppose i'm as guilty as the next with such tactics.
though i've always appreciated, not so much a grand-proclamation, but a err-free and straight forward statement, because if you leave room for the unknown it will most likely remain just that . . . . unknown.
other than that, questioning why it is one petticoat lane always smells of tostino's pizza's and why people near the 10th and main bus stop always want to yell things at you.
spent the day flooding my ears with everything all the time because i have a terrible habit of listening to records on repeat, for hours and days and weeks.
it's nearly summer. wishing for road trips and late nights and picnics. having to teach myself french. planning to spend ample time reading and watching films and trying my hardest to catch up on all the life i've missed out on the past couple years.
hoping to make it to worlds of fun this summer, wanting to play on swings at the park, wanting my hair to grow longer, and wanting to find some place to swim. oh, and of course wishing for this too:

summer

sure of it

i believe there is this time in the future where everything will make sense.
i cannot wait for that day.

one day . . . .

incredible

Northern Lights from Norway Time lapse in HD from gianni tumino on Vimeo.

please

3rd date

yahoo.com suggests that i find a sexy third date outfit.
i don't think that yahoo.com understands my problem.

maturity

"Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything."
-Vonnegut was a wise man.

a.b.c.

Tilly & the Wall on SESAME STREET from Team Love on Vimeo.

sleepyhead

my dreams are a jerk.
their complete realism makes them completely unbearable.
either they are vindictive, displaying my biggest fears.
or taunting me with my biggest hopes and dreams come true, only to realize upon waking they are just figments.