it's hot

it's hot.
right now that phrase is overused, but it's the truth, so i think that makes it okay to say.
it's 10:30 at night and the thermostat on my window unit says its 78 degrees in my apartment (which means that it has managed to cool the apartment off by a whole degree in the past 3 hours). normally i would think that's ridiculous, but today, i'll believe it.

i've been sitting in my living room alternating between reading and watching Ancient Aliens (I have to switch off because that show gives me the heebeegeebee's) and the sweat is just pooling over my body. i'm pretty sure that i don't normally break a sweat while reading . . . . it miiight have happened a time or two . . . let's just say i usually don't make a habit of it.

besides alternating between ancient aliens and reading, i've also been alternating my books between Zissner's On Writing Well and Francine Prose Reading Like A Writer. both books I've read multiple exerpts of (during entirely too many years of schooling) and (because I just can't seem to let school go just yet) i have decided to read in their entirety in hopes that they give me the structure, inspiration, and guidance that I'm really craving right now in regards to my own writing.

so, we'll see how this goes.

study time!

it's study time. and while this might not be the most practical way to study, for this exam it's necessary. it should be study time for my very last ever undergraduate college exam, buuuuuuttt it's not. instead it is study time for my second to last (or third or fourth to last) undergraduate college exam, because quite unfortunatly i am 3 credit hours short to really graduate, so instead i will be walking and then taking another class. whoo?!?

in any case, here goes the studying.

-aubrey

spring in december

it's an unseasonably warm, nearly 70 degree day, here in missouri. no winter coats or scarves or multiple pairs of socks. just jackets and light weight shirts. i have the windows open in the apartment, the air smells like spring, a terrible taunt considering winter has only just begun here, we have 2 or 3 months of bitter cold awaiting after this leaves tomorrow afternoon.

i'm hoping that this day is a little sign of hope for the coming new year, a little something to remember come late january when i'm trippled layered up on my socks and cuddeled up under a heated blanket and yet, still freezing.

a lovely night sipping some pinot grigio, painting my nails, and watching "Office Space" (so true that it's ALMOST not funny, but just almost).

i will use this thing more in the new year.
i promise.

a case of the mondays

i'm having a case of the monday's. today. on a tuesday, and well . . . most days lately. i've been feeling sluggish, uninspired, and unmotivated. all of them really just feeding each other. so, while i'm procrastinating working on this paper that's due thursday i've been searching and trying to ponder up things that inspire me.



it's been a long time since i've seen this movie, but sometime saturday evening in the midst of mani's, pedi's, and hair coloring, the munsters went off air leaving behind a sea of paid programming. i was delighted at how much i still enjoy this movie, and enjoy it more all the time.

i recently discovered the mynabirds who have made one of my new favorite albums.

cute baby animals.

hairspiration.

september days

I’ve been feeling quite run down lately, which is definitely not how I want to be feeling at all. I’m not really sure what to do about it (bubble baths, long vacation, relaxing evening at home reading?) but it doesn’t matter much right now because I have a long week ahead of me (schooling and working and home working and hosting . . . a baby shower, that is). I thought I would get all rested and relaxed up over the long labor day weekend, but instead I came down with some unknown illness on Friday night and still am not feeling quite myself today.


I’ve also been experiencing quite the string of bad luck lately, during which my computer met with the great laptop heaven in the sky. Luckily my mom was kind enough to lend me her laptop while I figure out exactly what I am going to do about a new computer. I think I might be cursed when it comes to computers, everyone that I have ever had has met with an unfortunate, terrible, and sudden end. This time was no exception, though I finally wised up and purchased an external hard-drive earlier in the summer so no stories and pictures or tunes were lost (or at least I hope they weren’t. I’ve been skeptical of the hard-drive working properly or at all. I don’t really understand it. I’m not a technological type.)


Hopefully next week I’ll be able to find some relaxing time and (fingers crossed) I’ll be feeling more like myself. As for tonight, I have a lovely evening of class ahead of me, followed by a trip to the grocery store, and an attempt to catch up on some homework.

-aubrey

almost

fall is quickly approaching. in less than a week it will be september, school's already back in session, and i've had the windows open in my apartment everyday this week. even though the warm temperatures will be back this weekend, i know it'll all be okay because in a few weeks it will be time for boots and long sleeves and cardi's. it's been wonderful to go walk around downtown over lunch and not come back to work as a big, sweaty mess. i'm looking forward to being outdoors again and to being a comfortable temperature in my apartment, this window unit does not always do the trick.

summer is over and i don't feel as if i accomplished all of what i'd hoped to. after moving in may(and subsequently planning in vain to write weekly on this blog) i let my goals slip from grasp. after a series of work related stresses, some financial issues i found myself plagued with a big bout of unmotivation. to this day there is still a pile of items stacked in the corner of my new bedroom, just waiting to find a home. the top of my desk has become a catchall for all things that cross it's path. the laptop has found a new home atop a fold out tv tray since it can't hold a charge and can't stay plugged into the charger without being ever so particularly sitting in just the right way. i bought a television before the big move and while i hadn't watched television with any seriousness (or even casually) for a couple of years, i've found myself sitting on this couch and watching away (only good things though, promise. lot's and lots of PBS.)i found myself busy on every single day in june; working odd hours, going to classes, doctors appointments, taking tests, and being tortured by dentists. so i over-relaxed in july,(and went to Omaha) because i felt it was well deserved. and then august just slipped by.

but school has started again, summer break officially over, structure added back into my life. and i am going to keep up with this blog more, for nothing more than the fact that it is just good habit to write something down as often as possible. practice makes perfect. i'm going to continue growing my hair out to its' once lusciously, long glory (and i'm well on the way, haven't cut it since march.) i'm going to work on getting healthy again after my most recent doctor's visit let me in on the secret that i've somehow managed to gain 15 pounds since this time last year. i've also decided to revive my once prospective hobby of knitting. i'm going to keep working on the goal i once had of becoming the best me that i can be, because i can't really think of anything else more integral in my life.

see ya soon,
aubrey

ouch

i've been to the dentist today. it was a day for a filling, hopefully that last one for a long while. i've had an embarassing amount of cavaties this year, mostly due to lack of seeing a dentist for nearly 5 years. never have i even been frightened of the dentist until this year, until getting 4 cavaties filled in a row on the same day, without the proper amount of anastesia. ouch. but that didn't happen today. today was one measly one, and they gave me the appropriate amount of pain killers. always a plus. except it's hurting now, throbbing actually. ugh. but upon leaving today they didn't try and schedule anymore follow ups, which means that this girl doesn't have to endure anymore drilling in her poor teeth this year. yea!

the apartment is coming along pretty well now. with only a few boxes lying around i can almost call myself unpacked, but not quite there yet. i'm really excited to get everything out and arranged so i can start the decorating process. i want this place to look like me, for everyone to get it and know it's my place as soon as their in the door. plus, i have some great ideas and i can't wait to try them out.

i came home tonight to find that after 4 weeks of horrific matienence nightmares, my landlord has finally begun repairs. yea! my shower (which has been a black, plasticy mess of loose drywall and tape) is almost back to normal. as are the holes in my closet, nearly a thing of the past. a coat of paint and it'll look brand new, plus my clothes will be happy to return from their vacation in my pantry closet. they don't like it there.

i slept too much this past holiday weekend, entirely too much. in fact, i didn't really even do much of anything. so naturally as the work week has commenced and sleep is needed, it's been nowhere to be found. but thankfully this evening i'm feeling a bit sleepy. it'll be nice to go to bed sometime before midnight and get a full nights rest with hopefully few disturbances. i'm still not use to the new place and i wake from time to time in the night. but tonight i'm hoping to get lots and lots of sleep.

g'night.

a night in

i spent the night in this evening for some much needed down time. i feel like i've been on the go since sometime mid-march, and while i've had my moments to sit back and relax, they never last too long. it seems that there is always something to do these days.

i've been in the new place for almost one month now. i'm settling in the best i can amidst a slew of maintenance nightmares, or i suppose just one that has become quite the chore. it's definitely had me bogged down the past couple weeks and my moving excitement levels took a massive hit because of this. there is still a couple piles of boxes left to unpack sitting in the corner of my dinning room and a tub of decorations with no-current decided home. once my bedroom closet and bathroom are all put back together in one piece i'm hoping that the unpacking bug will bite again, but for now it's slow goings.

i'm stressed thinking of how much busier i'll be in the month to come. it seems i have something going on every week. between dentist trips, car repairs, tests, and weekend classes, i have my work cut out for me.

so tonight i stayed in, and it was lovely. i did some yoga, had some lunar ale's, laid on the couch and read all night long. it was just what i needed to unwind and push out of my mind all the stressful things that have been crowding my thoughts lately. it feels good to be reading again, even if it is something slightly silly. i can't remember the last time i read a book. sometime in the fall maybe? this is part of what i want to do with my life. how do i always let you slip away so easily? tonight was good. i need more nights like this.

new

I'm sitting in my new apartment amidst piles of boxes and the scatterings of my life. Currently enjoying some Lil' Guy chips and a pretty fantastic genius playlist. i love Genius for constantly reminding me of bands that i love but so often, unfortunately, forget about.

For the first time in my life I am living, not only by myself, but without an animal companion. It is weird to say the very least, but not as difficult to adjust to as i had originally worried, though i may have to get a kitty cat. after 3 days of unpacking it finally looks like i've made a dent in the unpacking process, instead of just making a larger mess. i can't wait until all these boxes are cleared and gone so i can get to the fun part, decorating.

i've somehow ended up with a pretty open summer schedule with only one weekend class scheduled and one very dumb writing proficiency test to take. it is my absolute goal to take complete advantage of all my spare time and utilize it to the best of my ability. first, i need to make out my summer reading list and hop to ingesting all of the lovely words i hope to read. second, i need to spend all the rest of my time writing and writing and writing.

ah summer.

spring.

It's the 22nd of March, the third day of Spring, and I haven't updated this here journal since mid January because, well, life has been busy. I'm sitting at home here on this beautiful Monday night, procrastinating on homework instead of playing outdoors, quite unfortunately so. the first day of spring got off to a rough start here in the Midwest, 6 or 7 inches of snow unloaded upon the city. but while i walked home in the wee hours of Saturday morning with snow invading my flats, by Sunday evening the warm temperatures had returned, and by mid afternoon today the snow is but a distant memory. I think that Spring is finally here.

By weeks end I'll have turned a year older. Twenty-Seven this time. I suppose it's a scary thought, because I don't want to be older. But I don't feel it in the slightest, so I guess it doesn't bother me much.

I feel that the Spring is going to be good to me. I'm on the great search for my new home, the first one that will be truly my own. the prospect of having a place be all mine is truly uplifting, and i spend most of my time thinking of how i will decorate my currently imaginary new home. i love my current apartment, and i will be sad to see it go, but it's time for a change and I'm truly excited.

the end of school is finally in sight and i feel as if an enormous weight is about to be lifted off my shoulders, even if it isn't until December the thought is still liberating. i have no idea what to do when I'm finished, but I'll cross that bridge when i come to it. with grad school on the horizon I'm sure to be a professional student, so I'll have a while to figure things out.

right now I'm just ready for warm weather, short shorts, jellies, favorite long drives, and my upcoming 6 days of freedom.
twenty-seven, here i come.

stress

i'm having a stressful day. i'm frustrated with life. some days i curse myself for not having the courage to pursue my life when i was younger. it's difficult being 26, trying to go to school, work a full time adult job, and have a life. i work at a job that steals all of the hours of my life 5 days a week. while it affords me to have the money to live it doesn't afford me the time. attempting to squeeze your life into the hours of 6 to 10 is nearly impossible. sleep gets sacrificed, friends ignored, homework put aside. when am i suppose to have time for me? time to do the things i need to do? time to just sit and read a book? all the time everyone else seems to have. by the time i get home and eat dinner, it's nearly time for bed.

i never feel as if i can relax. there is always something else i need to be doing, someone else to see, someone to call. i'm envious of people who go to school full time, work part time, and actually have time to do their homework and see their friends and live their life. i want to have to opportunity to finish school so i can continue on with my life. which is yet another ailing problem on my mind.

i have four hours of time every night to fit my life into and the looming near future to be pondering what to do with.

stress.

two suns

i went home last night with relaxation as my only goal. i spent the evening primping and pampering and curled up in my bed with a cup of coffee. so, i'd have to say "goal achieved". unfortunately though my dear ladies have all been sick recently and I now think i'm coming down with something too. i decided to not care what anyone thinks and brought my aroma therapy bed buddy to work today. it smells something like lavender and burnt rice, but it makes my lower back feel a little less uncomfortable, so i'd say it's worth it. i'll spend the rest of the day sipping hot tea and keeping up on cold medication. my family is coming to visit me this weekend, which is amazing since it's never happened before. so hopefully I can hold off this sickness, at least through the weekend.

i bought a new camera last weekend and i'm getting anxious to put it to some use. i'm a longtime, satisfied fujifilm customer and my first time canon purchase is making me a bit nervous, but i'm sure i'll love it. it'll just take some getting use to. hopefully the frigid temperatures will subside so i can finally put it to use.
some

i purchased some new tunes last night that i'm pretty excited to listen to today. somewhere along the line i fell behind in regards to keeping up with new music and most of all with keeping up with the artists i already love. due to general business and time and distance constraints i've found it hard to make it to a music store and i've found it hard to become use to digital music purchases. no longer do i have to pick and choose from what the record store can offer me, i now have it all at my finger tips. i could have it all! alas, i don't think that my pocket book would be too happy with me though. so, i have a lot of catching up to do. last night i became the proud owner of the following:
~bat for lashes-two suns
~devendra banhart-rejoicing in the hands
and
~orenda fink-ask the night
so far i've only managed to listen to bat for lashes, which was probably the purchase i was most excited about. fur and gold is one of my all time favorite albums, this purchase has been a long time coming. i love it so far, but i already knew i would. here's a video for your viewing pleasure:

Bat For Lashes, "Glass" (Live @ Bowery Ballroom, 4.30.09) from self-titled on Vimeo.

holidays complete. new year begun.

I've successfully completed and survived the holidays and a new year has begun. we've been receiving more than our fair share of snow here lately and there is still more on the way. I found myself snowed in at my mothers over the Christmas holiday. I spent my time in captivity sitting in my pajamas, sipping coffee, eating cookies, and enjoying free cable. It felt cozy to be relaxing in my old living room and made it more apparent to me that my new home still doesn't feel like home. i miss that feeling of comfort, I've found it hard to really ever be at peace without it.

it's a new year and looking back I'm proud of all the leaps and bounds i made in 2009. Though I'm still not the person i ultimately wish to become, there is a lot of work to be done and i am well on my way. I quit making resolutions sometime ago, but if I were to make one this year it would be to continue with all the work from the last years. It's gotten me this far.

drink and be merry

coming back to work after having four and a half days off is very difficult, especially when you are feeling a bit under the weather. i suffered through two cups of terrible tasting work coffee and then moved on to spending time with my new favorite tazo tea Organic Apple Red. also, i have substituted werther's originals for cough drops because of their obvious advantages in tastiness. yumm.



i spent the weekend making baked christmas goods, watching christmas films, and looking at christmas lights. it was a good use of 4 days off and definitely made me miss life before forty hour work weeks and eight am mornings. maybe there will be freedom again one day. irregardless, i am excited to give everyone their presents. i think i did really good this year. i've been in the holiday spirit more this season than i have in years and that has definitely helped to calm the nerves.

i'm excited to go home tonight, drink a glass or two of wine, listen to some Frank, and wrap some christmas presents. it sounds incredibly relaxing and now that the shopping is officially over that is all i want to do; drink and be merry. the year is almost over and it's time to look ahead at all i want to do next year and all the changes i want to make. time to formulate a plan. when 2010 hits, i'll be ready.

<3

tick tock

my life feels forever thrown off course due to a fluke in timing.
this is unfortunate since i cannot thrive on mediocrity.
for me, intensity is key.
in fact, it is the only way.

everything seems just to be a clouded reflection of the way it ought to be.
and, as i am someone who is a kin to cleanliness, this is completely unacceptable.
if i do not feel that passion i know myself to be capable of, then it's just not good enough.
plain and simple.

i either need to find missouri contentment or i need the presence of mountains and ocean on the Eastern seashore.
right now these seem like the only possible answers.

elderly

hot tea and werther's originals.
i'm turning into such an old lady.

i'd be concerned if i wasn't secretly listening to incredibly embarrassing music and reading books meant for 12 year old girls.

you have to keep youth alive somehow i suppose.

dreams

dreams from the other night.

1)i was on a date with a short Indian man. our date was ruined by everyone i know tagging along and butting in. sitting at our dinner table. going on a walk with us. peering around the corner everywhere. creepies.

2)i read all of Catcher in the Rye in one day.

these are entirely better than the dreams i've been having and now all i want to do is read Catcher in the Rye again.

dreary dreary dreary

it's terribly dreary outside. it looks (and feels) more like late october than august. i'm in the mood to wear sweaters, drink hot tea, and eat soup.

i want to do nothing more tonight then read this terribly embarrassing book i'm currently engulfed in and catch up on some movies. no going out, no alcohol (well, maybe a glass of wine), none of anything that could be considered crazy. i think i'm getting old. school has started and it's already left me exhausted. going out doesn't hold the appeal it once did.

how am i going to meet new people? be social?
i'll worry about that at another time. right now i have other things to focus on. things that need my undivided attention. things that will hopefully lead me to part of the ultimate goal.
the rest will come in time.

i feel the incessant urge lately to be creative. i'm sad my little camera is on it's last leg and that i have yet to save up all the money for it's replacement. i want a little film camera to play around with and i think i'm going to start dragging my polaroid along for the ride, use up some of the last remaining film. i feel the desire to draw lately, but i'm held back by the frustration of being out of practice, of never really ending up with the finished product i'd originally envisioned in my head. i'm mulling over a story idea in my head, one i've been conjuring up for a couple of years now. i just need to put pen to paper, or fingers to a keyboard for that matter, and get it out there.

i don't know what i'm waiting for.

elsewhere

taking a familiar drive (one of my favorites) on a night seemingly reminiscent of fall. only appropriate to listen to the music that reminds me of those autumn and winter evenings, convenient the cd was waiting for me in my new vehicle even though i haven't listened to it in months.

just as it really starts to set in i drive past a home with christmas lights on. it's august. and now it all feels more familiar than it should ever be allowed to. my mind remained elsewhere on the drive home, just as it's been for days. i've been really unable to grasp how it is i feel about life in general, as ridiculous as that sounds. mostly looking back to an event in my life that remains unexplained. i keep searching my mind for reason. i find none. i need it. that's just me.

and just as i approach home i pass another house, christmas lights glowing, just making sure it stays in the foreground of my mind.

illogical august evening.

not been sleeping well recently and having terribly vivid dreams, leaving me exhausted. insomnia always sneaking back in just when i think it's finally gone. other than that life's been kind to me lately. i was thinking back on motto's from last summer and this whole self-improvement project i had going on. i'm still a work in progress, but i'm closer to the person i want to be and should be.

going to keep picking myself up and dusting myself off, forever, until i get it right, until one day all of this makes sense.
because i can't lose hope that it will.

less like home

"why are you all alone?"
i wanted to tell her not to worry, it's not always so bad.
i'd rather be out living life on my own then not living it at all.
sometimes those are the only options your left with.

you just hope that someday someone you want will want you back, and that they'll never change their mind.
then you try not to lose hope.

returned from a short trip to indianapolis.
each time i return to kansas city it feels less and less like home.